Dr Lami features in a recent interview with The Londoner about Wealth Psychology, specifically focusing on women who are in relationships with men who earn or have less than they do. During the conversation, the journalist referenced a quote from actress Sofía Vergara in response to a question about what she looks for in a man: “I want to say the basic stuff, like health and somebody that loves me, and somebody tall, handsome. I want somebody that has as much money as me or more, because if not, it’s a nightmare. They end up resenting you.”
Q: Do you think Sofía Vergara’s sentiment is common among wealthy individuals? Why or why not?
Dr Lami: In my work I see both sides of the equation. Those who think like Sophia and others who are looking for the connection and the love. However, I think that Sophia’s desire is more common amongst UHNW. Among high-net-worth individuals, especially women, there’s often a deep concern about how financial imbalance can affect emotional dynamics. Sofía Vergara’s comment reflects a protective mindset: when a partner earns significantly less, it can invite insecurity, power struggles, or even resentment. Wealthy individuals often want to ensure that their financial success isn’t a source of tension or mistrust in a relationship. They seek a partner who won’t feel overshadowed or dependent.
Q: In your practice, how common is it for financial disparity to be a source of tension in romantic relationships?
Dr Lami: I have seen quite a lot of cases where financial disparity can be a persistent undercurrent, even in otherwise healthy relationships. When one partner feels like they’re “less than” financially, it can create emotional distance, passive-aggression, or even conflict about spending and lifestyle. Sofía’s reference to resentment is something I hear often in sessions. The lower-earning partner may struggle with feelings of inadequacy, while the higher earner may feel burdened or taken for granted.
Q: What unique challenges do you see arise when one partner is significantly wealthier than the other?
Dr Lami: When wealth is uneven, issues of control, trust, and independence surface quickly. The wealthier partner might worry about being used, while the other might feel they have less say in joint decisions. Even simple things like picking a restaurant or planning a trip can become fraught if one person feels uncomfortable with the cost. And if the relationship ends, there are also fears around entitlement and asset protection. All of this can create a constant, quiet tension unless couples are actively addressing it.
Q: Do you see a difference in how men and women handle being the higher earner in a relationship?
Dr Lami: Yes, and Sofía’s comment touches on that. Women who are the higher earners often face a double standard, they’re expected to succeed, but not so much that it threatens traditional gender roles. Men, on the other hand, are typically socialized to feel more comfortable being the financial provider. When those roles are reversed, both partners can struggle. The woman may feel she has to downplay her success, and the man may wrestle with pride or feelings of inadequacy. These dynamics aren’t universal, but they are common themes.
Q: How should couples approach things like splitting bills, gifts, or vacations when their financial capabilities are vastly different?
Dr Lami: There’s no one-size-fits-all approach, but fairness and clarity are key. In my work I first work with the couple to identify their attitude towards money and learn about their relationship with money and success. Then I will make my suggestions. When appropriate I often recommend that couples talk about proportional contributions rather than equal ones. For example, each person could contribute a percentage of their income toward shared expenses. The goal is to avoid feelings of imbalance or hidden resentment. Because without that balance, things can get messy emotionally, so addressing it early and openly is crucial. If a couple is committed to being together despite the disparity regarding their financial status, they can work it out.
Q: What advice do you give to couples to help them communicate openly and respectfully about money?
Dr Lami: Money is often tied to identity, power, and security, which makes it emotional. I encourage couples to talk about money the way they talk about values: with curiosity, not judgment. Ask each other, “What does financial security mean to you?” or “What worries you most when it comes to money?” These conversations can prevent misunderstandings and defuse resentment before they build up. Like Sofía pointed out, resentment doesn’t usually appear overnight, it grows in silence and avoidance. I also help them to explore and understand their relationship with money and how unconsciously it may impact their relationship.